it's funny how one friday night can change your entire perspective on life.

last night so many of the unexpected happened,

some good, some bad.

and yet, it's the bad that typically elicits the biggest impact on an individual

i was physically and metaphorically sobered up when i received the bad news.

there were two pieces;

one i should have seen coming, the other i never would have expected.

each involving one of my former high school girlfriends.

it made me realize just how stupid and selfish of a person i am

and how i need to wake up and realize

there's more to this life than just obsessing over looks, boys, money...

it made me realize just how much more i need to be in their lives.

everyone's got struggles, personal demons that they are fighting.

i just realized ive become so caught up in mine

i completely underestimate just how insecure i am that i cant even trust

some of the people i love, and who love me, the most.

i need to change.

take the initiative.

embrace the moments that are shared with people that actually matter.

yes, they will hurt you sometimes

and yes, they will not always be there

but in the name of love

all that is eradicated.

this is a lesson on how to love again.

to be grateful, to re-center myself...

so i shall begin with a few letters on this fabulous saturday morning:

my darling B.,

my cousin/mother/sister zero, i don't know if you even comprehend just how much i fucking love you. i admire you for your eternal optimism, your ability to take things so easily (STILL don't know how you can do that, but i guess that's what balances us out haha), your independence, your artbitchassness, and most importantly, your individuality. i know very few people who possess that distinct sense of confidence in themselves, and i don't think you know but i look to this in you when i'm feeling insecure. i love you to pieces, and i am so grateful that you are in my life.

ohh, my fabulous and lovely G.,

you, darling, are one of the craziest people i have ever met, but that's why i love you so so much. i hope you know that you are just like demi moore; sexy with or without your massive mane of chocolate ringlets. your ever-present glow you constantly radiate draw people to you, including me, and i love that you possess such self-confidence in any situation you find yourself in, no matter what. i hope you can keep this outlook through this difficult time, and know that i am always, always, always, forever going to be here for you.

P., you stranger

your sister spilled the beans last night, and to say the least i am very unexpectedly unsurprised by this. in retrospect i should have seen this coming. there were signs. there were instances. i just don't understand why i didn't see it clearly before. but i hope you know that the moment you return there has to be an intervention here. you're a beautiful person, inside and out, and it tears me apart to watch you deteriorate in front of me. stop this whole ignoring-your-friends b.s. you've got going on here, because we're the ones who are about you so much and love you so so much. i miss you beb, come back to me, please.

to my rock, my foundations, my everything: A., E., & R.,

honestly if i did not have you in my life i wouldn't know where i would be or what i would be doing. you all know how self critical and self detrimental i am, and yet still listen to me whine and groan and complain about how "difficult" life can be. i truly honestly am grateful for your patience, for your support, for your understanding, but most importantly, for continuing to love me for everything that i am (selfish, stupid, insecure, bitchy, the list goes on). i know it's supposed to come as a given, but not a lot of people are as lucky as i am to have been blessed with such amazing people in their lives. i love you i love you i love you, and know that no matter what you three are byfar the most important people in my life.