changing leaves, warm fuzzy sweaters, pumpkin & spices galore...

it's no wonder i love autumn

and of course my favorite...

the great peanuts movies that they show on t.v.

really takes me back to when i was a kid

oh, nostalgia...

TO AUTUMN.

1.

SEASON of mists and mellow fruitfulness,
Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun;
Conspiring with him how to load and bless
With fruit the vines that round the thatch-eves run;
To bend with apples the moss’d cottage-trees,
And fill all fruit with ripeness to the core;
To swell the gourd, and plump the hazel shells
With a sweet kernel; to set budding more,
And still more, later flowers for the bees,
Until they think warm days will never cease,
For Summer has o’er-brimm’d their clammy cells.

2.

Who hath not seen thee oft amid thy store?
Sometimes whoever seeks abroad may find
Thee sitting careless on a granary floor,
Thy hair soft-lifted by the winnowing wind;
Or on a half-reap’d furrow sound asleep,
Drows’d with the fume of poppies, while thy hook
Spares the next swath and all its twined flowers:
And sometimes like a gleaner thou dost keep
Steady thy laden head across a brook;
Or by a cyder-press, with patient look,
Thou watchest the last oozings hours by hours.

3.

Where are the songs of Spring? Ay, where are they?
Think not of them, thou hast thy music too,—
While barred clouds bloom the soft-dying day,
And touch the stubble plains with rosy hue;
Then in a wailful choir the small gnats mourn
Among the river sallows, borne aloft
Or sinking as the light wind lives or dies;
And full-grown lambs loud bleat from hilly bourn;
Hedge-crickets sing; and now with treble soft
The red-breast whistles from a garden-croft;
And gathering swallows twitter in the skies.

John Keats (1795-1821)

the days are getting shorter

the skies are getting grayer

the wind is getting colder

and i'm getting so excited

i've always been a lover of the colder months...

maybe its the september birthday

but i know for a fact it's the excitement i get

for anticipating all the festivities to come...

falling leaves, making jack 'o' lanterns, sipping hot cocoa...

sharing an incredible feast with loved ones, fighting people on black friday...

watching charlie brown/peanuts cartoons on t.v., wearing thick scarves and sweaters...

sharing more food with loved ones, sending christmas cards, opening presents...

bundled up in thick, warm blankets inside with the crazy weather blistering outside...

honestly, there's nothing like these months.

so much nostalgia. so much love.

what's not to love about it?

one thing i'd love to do some day

is go to montauk for this season.

ever since i saw eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,

(officially one of my favorite movies of all time)

i've been dying to walk along the beach

with a huge wool blanket draped over me

and to see the snow fall all around...

someday.

photo credit.

terribly exciting news:

introducing my new mini diana

thank you dylan for the best birthday gift

according to Aristotle

in Nichomachean Ethics

happiness is a certain activity of the soul in accord with complete virtue.

happiness is what directs the decisions humans make in their life.

happiness is the highest good, where it is final and self-sufficient.

happiness is what makes life worth living.

to obtain happiness, there must be excellence in the soul, thus excellence is virtue and morality is the key to happiness, which is of the soul.

happiness happiness happiness...

is not in health.

is not in victory in war.

is not in material things.

is not in being a skinny bitch.

is not trying to be a perfectionist.

is not in trying to be someone i'm not.

is being with my family.

is being with my friends.

and i am.

sudden surges of creativity lately.

flight. greys. whites. blacks.

in the mood for winter.

for the chill.

for the dusk.

for the quiet.

for the warmth of hot chocolate

and the light of a crackling fire.

can't wait for the changing of the season.

i guess by making my own portraits of winter

i can will it to come sooner.

i guess.

road trip: grand canyon

Up on Melancholy Hill,

There's a plastic tree.

Are you here with me?

Just looking out on the day

Of another dream,

Where you can't get what you want,

But you can get me.

So let's set out to sea,

'Cause you are my medicine

When you're close to me.

When you're close to me.

So calling all submarines,

'Round the world we'll go.

Does anybody know, love,

If we're looking out on the day

Of another dream?

If you can't get what you want,

Then come with me.

Up on Melancholy Hill

Sits a manatee,

Just looking out on the day,

When you're close to me.

When you're close to me.

When you're close to me.

picture from here.

such inspiration!

i love how fantastical this feels...

doesn't it make you wish you were frolicking in the swiss alps...

in the middle of spring!?

it's funny, but these pictures

reminded me of this insane dream where i was in the middle of

the mountain in this hotel-cabin.

there was hot chocolate, my bunny imagawayaki,

and lots and lots of fleece and feathers and down comforters.

it was rather toasty considering this was all during

an insane blizzard going on outside the cabin...

it was awesome.

one day.

"I dream of painting and then I paint my dream."

-Van Gogh

xoxo

feeling semi inspired by the movie, up in the air.

i fell in love with the idea of the air plane as not merely a mode of transport, but a place of destination. an escape. a space that in no other can you be equal to birds in flight. how wonderful is that?

i found it to be such an interesting concept, it never occurred to me before seeing this movie, to treat the air plane as such a place. a place of solace. the film literally depicted being in-transit as an actual destination for george clooney's character, metaphorical for his desire to escape.

& i absolutely loved the idea of it.

it also made me realize just how partial i am to airplanes, air ports, and all that jazz. the whole notion of travel is very romantic, but there's something about airports and airplanes that can be very emotional.

take the arrivals and departures. arrivals are typically a place where individuals are eager and excited to be there, whether they are being reunited with family, friends, or both, or are just on the cusp of a new beginning, adventure, life. departures can be a place of tearful goodbyes, where people are leaving in search of something else, and can serve as a reminder to us as to how important certain people are to our lives, the significance of their presence, and to imagine just how different life would be without them.

then there's the actual plane ride. you're put at random to share such personal space with strangers, it can be incredibly excruciating. especially for a person as shy and introverted as myself and not being able to afford first class. in a way it forces sociability, and as a result of such circumstances i have met some of the most interesting people. once, on a transfer flight from krakow to munich, i met a saudi arabian student going home for the summer. he was sent by his government to study english in poland, and he explained to me his own comparisons of arabic and polish, and how they were both such incredibly difficult languages when compared to english. it created this realization in me as to how amazing it is that a country is subsidizing their young students to go to foreign countries in an effort to cultivate a more enhanced education that travel can offer, and how much of a pity it is that so many american students don't learn another language while so many others are so good at english. planes can force you to either extreme: sociability or isolation. either way, i see it as a form of personal exploration. a destination to self discovery.

i mean, when else are you going to have to sit for hours and hours on end, doing nothing?

just a thought.

image from here.

um, oh hey, krakow

thanks for making it easy to get obese

love you lots

xoxo

" i'm just a girl

standing in front of a boy

asking him to love her."

i almost forgot how cute this movie is.

julia roberts is just spectacular.

she's probably one of my favorite actresses of all time.

so sophisticated, so classy, and so down to earth

all at the same time.

i love that she can be goofy, that she's not afraid to

and that she's not focused on the hollywood scene

maybe its the fact that she's maturer,

knows how to handle herself

and her role choices... i love them.

which is why i absolutely cannot wait

to see her in eat, pray, love.

great book... & hopefully a great movie.

xoxo m'dears.

photo courtesy of close-upfilm.com

this photo reminded me of the days i spent in london studying for my classes, all the while sitting on my window ledge, my bare leg slung outside, and my little cup of PG Tips right by my side. never in my life had i had such a wonderful and pleasurable study session, where i could mull over the complications of the british parliamentary system as i enjoyed the soft chilly breeze coming in from kensington gardens, the sounds of the little french kids running to school in their matching violet uniforms, the sudden brakes from the meandering red double deckers that snaked in intervals throughout south kensington...

i can't get over it. i miss this city just far too much. i want to go back so badly.

yet, i can't help but wonder if it was being with the people i was there with that made the city so incredible. they became a sort of second family for me while i was there... and yet i did manage to spend a lot of time on my own. it's not difficult, nor is it something i hate doing. london definitely allows you the freedom to merely wander about, there's just so much to see and do all the time! i just fear that, if i do somehow, in some amazing way, end up having the opportunity to go back, or even to move there, that my entire experience would just be completely different. as in, BAD.

maybe initially, when i first get adjusted and everything... but man. even despite that... every part of my body, my soul, my HEART aches for the precious few months i was there. the only thing i would change about it? i'd bring every single one of my loved ones, the fams, B, everyone, just so i could share with them everything crazy and exciting that i had experienced living in such a cosmopolitan city...

some day. just wait.

photos courtesy of garance & thinkquest.

tea party

good friends, sunny days, yummy food and lots and lots and lots of tea

these are just a few of my favorite things :)

dad let us tag along on his business trip to oahu last weekend.

made for a well-needed mini family getaway,

and as usual we made sure we ate as much as we possibly could

of what hawai'i had to offer us :)

bahaha, we are such gluttons.

spring

three years of avoiding my problems.

three years of insisting i am okay.

three years of ignoring reality.

three years of pessimism and cynicism.

three years of rejection, depression, insecurity.

three years of pain, suffering, and melancholy.

three years of burden on my back, like boulders

...erased like dust, with just one night.

that bitch reality hit me hard at 4 a.m.

and that bitch sent me back three years

and that bitch showed me what i had been running away from.

and that bitch didn't let me run that night.

and that bitch she made me realize

and that bitch she made me see

and that love that she gave me...

and i couldn't be more grateful,

and more blessed, more liberated...

and more free

... how loved i am, and how much i have

how did she see all three

of those years i carried on me?

three years

three years

three years

washed away by one night's tears

to reveal anew what i had hidden

oh, world! oh, life! how i'd forgotten thee

hiding myself beneath all of those

all of those

three years

three years

three years

guess where i went :)

my weekend in a nutshell.

life's sweetest things are sometimes bite sized

mini chocolate cups and mini cheesecake cups

sisters, mothers, fathers, love

this all made for one of the loveliest saturdays

happy monday!

it's funny how one friday night can change your entire perspective on life.

last night so many of the unexpected happened,

some good, some bad.

and yet, it's the bad that typically elicits the biggest impact on an individual

i was physically and metaphorically sobered up when i received the bad news.

there were two pieces;

one i should have seen coming, the other i never would have expected.

each involving one of my former high school girlfriends.

it made me realize just how stupid and selfish of a person i am

and how i need to wake up and realize

there's more to this life than just obsessing over looks, boys, money...

it made me realize just how much more i need to be in their lives.

everyone's got struggles, personal demons that they are fighting.

i just realized ive become so caught up in mine

i completely underestimate just how insecure i am that i cant even trust

some of the people i love, and who love me, the most.

i need to change.

take the initiative.

embrace the moments that are shared with people that actually matter.

yes, they will hurt you sometimes

and yes, they will not always be there

but in the name of love

all that is eradicated.

this is a lesson on how to love again.

to be grateful, to re-center myself...

so i shall begin with a few letters on this fabulous saturday morning:

my darling B.,

my cousin/mother/sister zero, i don't know if you even comprehend just how much i fucking love you. i admire you for your eternal optimism, your ability to take things so easily (STILL don't know how you can do that, but i guess that's what balances us out haha), your independence, your artbitchassness, and most importantly, your individuality. i know very few people who possess that distinct sense of confidence in themselves, and i don't think you know but i look to this in you when i'm feeling insecure. i love you to pieces, and i am so grateful that you are in my life.

ohh, my fabulous and lovely G.,

you, darling, are one of the craziest people i have ever met, but that's why i love you so so much. i hope you know that you are just like demi moore; sexy with or without your massive mane of chocolate ringlets. your ever-present glow you constantly radiate draw people to you, including me, and i love that you possess such self-confidence in any situation you find yourself in, no matter what. i hope you can keep this outlook through this difficult time, and know that i am always, always, always, forever going to be here for you.

P., you stranger

your sister spilled the beans last night, and to say the least i am very unexpectedly unsurprised by this. in retrospect i should have seen this coming. there were signs. there were instances. i just don't understand why i didn't see it clearly before. but i hope you know that the moment you return there has to be an intervention here. you're a beautiful person, inside and out, and it tears me apart to watch you deteriorate in front of me. stop this whole ignoring-your-friends b.s. you've got going on here, because we're the ones who are about you so much and love you so so much. i miss you beb, come back to me, please.

to my rock, my foundations, my everything: A., E., & R.,

honestly if i did not have you in my life i wouldn't know where i would be or what i would be doing. you all know how self critical and self detrimental i am, and yet still listen to me whine and groan and complain about how "difficult" life can be. i truly honestly am grateful for your patience, for your support, for your understanding, but most importantly, for continuing to love me for everything that i am (selfish, stupid, insecure, bitchy, the list goes on). i know it's supposed to come as a given, but not a lot of people are as lucky as i am to have been blessed with such amazing people in their lives. i love you i love you i love you, and know that no matter what you three are byfar the most important people in my life.

sometimes

lady luck can be pretty fucked up

and you're just screwed from the get-go.

but have no fear

sometimes your bad luck can be put on display

because maybe someone actually wants to see it.

go to the museum of jurassic technology.

or rather, the museum of "wtf!?"

like seriously.

do it.

stop.

collaborate and listen.

time to set life straight again.

reset reset reset !!!

keep your eyes open

and your mouth shut

fix the broken

cherish the new

drink up each moment of happiness

bask in the love that surrounds

and dont forget to smile.

so its been ages since i've been blogging i know
my baby macbook decided to succumb to the ebb and flow of the universe...
leaving me computerless, photos/documents/music-less, and having to resort to all computer/internet access through the public facilities of my school... making for any private web-surfing open to the world and thus embarassing when i am researching the calorie count of the whoppers malt ball candies or spending countless hours studying the different funky outfits on lookbook... let alone being on facebook.
anyway, it's been a few weeks of culminated stress... i think i miss europe way too much.
i think i just miss traveling. it's not so much about the destination, really. it's the thrill of getting on an airplane/train/car, knowing that you're moving across the world, enabling you to observe different parts of the planet. even if you are going to a place you've been to thousands of times, it's always a new adventure. nothing ever happens twice, it seems, and that's what makes it exciting. it makes me want to go and explore... that's what traveling is all about.
but now that i'm back and seemingly stuck (i know i shouldn't complain so much, i know others have it a lot worse than i, but it feels so suffocating studying and working from noon to six at night...) and having my entire day robbed... being in california makes anyone want to sit out in the sunshine as much as possible! especially after returning from a country such as England where sun is almost as scarce as a surfer!
with midterms, a lack of a computer, europe-sick-ness, the loss of everything in my computer... i can't help but feel a bit... un-me.
i've been attempting to find an artistic outlet as of late... but we shall see where that takes me.
i just have to maintain a sense of calm in such times...

breathe in, breathe out.

send me back

pretty please.

& so easily do i fall back into my old habits...

everyday it seems, i need my caffeine & sugar fix!