it's funny how one friday night can change your entire perspective on life.

last night so many of the unexpected happened,

some good, some bad.

and yet, it's the bad that typically elicits the biggest impact on an individual

i was physically and metaphorically sobered up when i received the bad news.

there were two pieces;

one i should have seen coming, the other i never would have expected.

each involving one of my former high school girlfriends.

it made me realize just how stupid and selfish of a person i am

and how i need to wake up and realize

there's more to this life than just obsessing over looks, boys, money...

it made me realize just how much more i need to be in their lives.

everyone's got struggles, personal demons that they are fighting.

i just realized ive become so caught up in mine

i completely underestimate just how insecure i am that i cant even trust

some of the people i love, and who love me, the most.

i need to change.

take the initiative.

embrace the moments that are shared with people that actually matter.

yes, they will hurt you sometimes

and yes, they will not always be there

but in the name of love

all that is eradicated.

this is a lesson on how to love again.

to be grateful, to re-center myself...

so i shall begin with a few letters on this fabulous saturday morning:

my darling B.,

my cousin/mother/sister zero, i don't know if you even comprehend just how much i fucking love you. i admire you for your eternal optimism, your ability to take things so easily (STILL don't know how you can do that, but i guess that's what balances us out haha), your independence, your artbitchassness, and most importantly, your individuality. i know very few people who possess that distinct sense of confidence in themselves, and i don't think you know but i look to this in you when i'm feeling insecure. i love you to pieces, and i am so grateful that you are in my life.

ohh, my fabulous and lovely G.,

you, darling, are one of the craziest people i have ever met, but that's why i love you so so much. i hope you know that you are just like demi moore; sexy with or without your massive mane of chocolate ringlets. your ever-present glow you constantly radiate draw people to you, including me, and i love that you possess such self-confidence in any situation you find yourself in, no matter what. i hope you can keep this outlook through this difficult time, and know that i am always, always, always, forever going to be here for you.

P., you stranger

your sister spilled the beans last night, and to say the least i am very unexpectedly unsurprised by this. in retrospect i should have seen this coming. there were signs. there were instances. i just don't understand why i didn't see it clearly before. but i hope you know that the moment you return there has to be an intervention here. you're a beautiful person, inside and out, and it tears me apart to watch you deteriorate in front of me. stop this whole ignoring-your-friends b.s. you've got going on here, because we're the ones who are about you so much and love you so so much. i miss you beb, come back to me, please.

to my rock, my foundations, my everything: A., E., & R.,

honestly if i did not have you in my life i wouldn't know where i would be or what i would be doing. you all know how self critical and self detrimental i am, and yet still listen to me whine and groan and complain about how "difficult" life can be. i truly honestly am grateful for your patience, for your support, for your understanding, but most importantly, for continuing to love me for everything that i am (selfish, stupid, insecure, bitchy, the list goes on). i know it's supposed to come as a given, but not a lot of people are as lucky as i am to have been blessed with such amazing people in their lives. i love you i love you i love you, and know that no matter what you three are byfar the most important people in my life.

sometimes

lady luck can be pretty fucked up

and you're just screwed from the get-go.

but have no fear

sometimes your bad luck can be put on display

because maybe someone actually wants to see it.

go to the museum of jurassic technology.

or rather, the museum of "wtf!?"

like seriously.

do it.

stop.

collaborate and listen.

time to set life straight again.

reset reset reset !!!

keep your eyes open

and your mouth shut

fix the broken

cherish the new

drink up each moment of happiness

bask in the love that surrounds

and dont forget to smile.

so its been ages since i've been blogging i know
my baby macbook decided to succumb to the ebb and flow of the universe...
leaving me computerless, photos/documents/music-less, and having to resort to all computer/internet access through the public facilities of my school... making for any private web-surfing open to the world and thus embarassing when i am researching the calorie count of the whoppers malt ball candies or spending countless hours studying the different funky outfits on lookbook... let alone being on facebook.
anyway, it's been a few weeks of culminated stress... i think i miss europe way too much.
i think i just miss traveling. it's not so much about the destination, really. it's the thrill of getting on an airplane/train/car, knowing that you're moving across the world, enabling you to observe different parts of the planet. even if you are going to a place you've been to thousands of times, it's always a new adventure. nothing ever happens twice, it seems, and that's what makes it exciting. it makes me want to go and explore... that's what traveling is all about.
but now that i'm back and seemingly stuck (i know i shouldn't complain so much, i know others have it a lot worse than i, but it feels so suffocating studying and working from noon to six at night...) and having my entire day robbed... being in california makes anyone want to sit out in the sunshine as much as possible! especially after returning from a country such as England where sun is almost as scarce as a surfer!
with midterms, a lack of a computer, europe-sick-ness, the loss of everything in my computer... i can't help but feel a bit... un-me.
i've been attempting to find an artistic outlet as of late... but we shall see where that takes me.
i just have to maintain a sense of calm in such times...

breathe in, breathe out.