I've wallowed in my insecurities and self pity for far too long.
It's time to focus on the bigger picture: what am I doing out here?

I made the move to leave home for a reason, I know it's out here and I have to find it. Wanting to go home, back to my comfort zone, is not an option; that comfort zone is officially gone. It's time to make a new comfort zone and keep pressing forward. There's nothing to stop me now.

So what am I doing out here?

Well the first thing that pops into my mind is explore. it's always been in my blood--all I ever dream of is going on adventures and exploring new places. What's stopping me is my sudden desire to just be home and be with people I care about... and as much as I love that, I know that I should continue to wander just a little longer... There's a lot about life and myself that I need to discover, and I feel like I could use some of this time now while I'm still single and free to do some much needed self reflection...

my lucky charms

There are many things in my life right now that I need to focus on. The fact that I need to be my own person again, to be able to work on myself...

But the most important thing I need to focus on is all the wonderful blessings I've been gifted with.

1. My immediate family, supporting all my stupid and crazy decisions (biting their tongue throughout them all), but most importantly being there for me whenever I fall flat on my face as a result of said crazy and stupid decisions.

2. My extended family out here, supporting me financially and emotionally. In the thick and thin of it all, I've always been able to count on my aunties and uncles for all their incredible love they've showered me with. I could not have asked for a better home away from home.

3. My cousins, especially the young and innocent ones who bring me back down to earth. They've taught me about patience, of kindness, of being able to understand personalities and working/playing together without judgement. I'm exposed to a kind of safe and comforting environment that I thought I had left back in LA, and it's just safe to say there's nothing quite like the wonderful joys of childhood.

4. My friends who are still there for me through the thick and thin of it all, supporting my crazy and sometimes stupid decisions, wholeheartedly cheering me on all the way.

In spite of whatever may happen to me, I am grounded knowing I am surrounded by such amazing and wonderful people. I am truly blessed.

xo.

yuna - colors

on heavy rotation today... her voice is so soothing & beautiful, 

but most importantly, it speaks for my heart

" 

we must be willing to let go 

of the life we planned

so as to have the life 

that is waiting for us 

" 

- Joseph Campbell 

Remember

"
  Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. 

  Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. 

  Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. 

  Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. 

"

- Bob Moorehead

people watching

people watching people I've come across while going about my day to day 

running guy every morning as I am just preparing to go out for my morning jog, this running man is just coming back, dripping head to toe in glistening sweat with a fist full of flowers. He is definitely one of my favorite people in my neighborhood. It seems like every morning, without fail, he returns from his run with a lovely bunch of flowers in his hand. Okay true he probably just stole this mini bouquet, and (being well over six foot I'm sure) actually looks ridiculous dripping with sweat and his teeny tiny shorts sticking to his mile-long legs... but one can't deny just how endearing the whole situation is. Oddly enough, even though we live in the same building, I don't think I've ever seen him any other time in any other state.

adorable scandinavian toddler during a random visit to Holland Village the other day, I was waiting behind this very European family at the crosswalk. The mother and father were the epitome of gorgeous-blonde-and-blue-eyes, tall and majestic, even with the little smidge of pink on their complexion from the scorching Singaporean sun. They had two boys with them; one appeared to be about five or six, but definitely much older and more sure of himself in comparison to the other, who was holding his mother's hand and appeared to be about three or four. This younger one kept squirming, dancing, hopping and skipping all the while we were waiting for the green walking man to light up. His mother would speak in a language I didn't recognize, but it seemed like a kind of Scandinavian language, trying to appease his excitement. All this is seemingly normal, yes, but what caught me completely off guard was for the entire time we were waiting, this little boy was was singing away... in Chinese.

electric wheelchair qinqin player nearly every weekend on Orchard, there is a woman who sits in an electric wheelchair playing what I can only assume is a Qinqin (please don't take my word for it; I may look Chinese, but it doesn't mean I know the culture very well, frankly). She sits amidst the massing throngs of tourists and shoppers, her image perforated by the sea of bodies rushing from designer boutique to upscale cafes. Throughout the shuffles of people, she strums what I can only describe as this beautiful traditional Chinese tune, taking you back for a brief moment to the time of emperors, concubines, forbidden palaces, and the like. Day by day she continues playing this music from another time, all in the midst of the most contemporary and cosmopolitan cities in Asia.

resolutions and recaps

I came across an old entry today... it was my resolutions list for 2012. 

2011 highlights:
(in no particular order)

1. italy
2. italy with Dylan
3. graduation
4. visiting my bestie in Berkeley
5. celebrating our second New Years as a couple
6. pounding mochi with my Abuelita
7. spending more time with my family, in general
8. SF/SLO roadtrip with Dylan (edit: actually this was only an SF trip-- the SF/SLO trip was in 2012)
9. going to Whistler and VanCity
10. being healthy, body and mind.


2012-- 'things to do'

1. be more patient
2. read more books and newspapers
3. go to another country for an extended amount of time, to work?
4. stay positive; optimism is key in life!
5. go on a cruise
6. become better in japanese
7. do more yoga/meditate
8. take more photos; they capture moments in time better than anything else.
9. be more open-minded
10. follow your heart



And... just for kicks, here is a re-cap of the most memorable moments in 2012... 

2012 - highlights: 
(again, in no particular order)

1. got my first, real "big girl" job with insurance and the whole shbang!
2. got a part time job on top of my full time job, teaching me that I am capable of more than what I think I can
3. understanding patience with little kids 
4. an incredible surprise trip to San Diego/La Jolla with Dylan for our 2 year anniversary 
5. investing in Disneyland passes that undoubtedly paid for themselves in the end
6. a Berkeley/SF/SLO roadtrip with Dylan 
7. exploring and discovering so much of Los Angeles with friends and Dylan
8. spending our 3rd Christmas and New Years together as a couple
9. understanding what it means to be young and free
10. learning how much I love my sister 

In comparison to the resolutions list for 2012, I think I was indeed able to tick off some of these things... like, following my heart, being more open-minded, being patient... although I didn't take MORE pictures, I still continued to do so. I traveled around quite a bit that year, as it seems like road tripping was a major theme. But I can definitely say it was the second year in a row which, in retrospect, I spent a lot of time with those I truly and deeply care about. 



It seems silly at this point to make a resolutions list for 2013, so I guess I'd like to just do a re-cap of my highlights thus far... 

2013 so far... 
1. discovering the wonderful city of Seattle (& being stranded for a night in Portland!) with Dylan (and definitely major thanks to Tiffany and Ian for being such awesome hosts!) 
2. getting a job in Singapore 
3. spending loads of time with family (and god-family!) I never get to see (ie: being there for my grandpa's 88th!)
4. understanding and discovering my roots 
5. visiting Bali/Indonesia for the first time 
6. seeing friends and family again after half a year away, and learning just how important they are in my life
7. doing tons of yoga... and pilates too! 
8. reading more about the news (online) 
9. taking more photos 
10. being surprised (again!) by Dylan, with his trip to Singapore

...there's two more months left of this year. Definitely have to make sure I make the most of it! But funny how my resolutions for 2012 kind of manifested itself for the next year, as if there was some sort of delay. I always surprise myself with these, which is why I love making resolutions. It's almost like you're sending out a wish list to the universe...

xo

rain stories

sometimes all you need is to write... 

1. storm

I saw it in the distance.

The dark clouds, the deep rumbling, the gusts of wind... covering the outside world in this white sheet of sadness and coldness. I looked outside my window, barely recognizing the late morning view I woke up to every single day. From the eighth floor I could see the rippling of leaves on the tall, grand tree below shivering and swaying ever so gracefully against the brushes of wind and raindrops. It was astonishing how even in this complete whiteness, I could still see the vibrancy of the green exploding with each flicker of a wet leaf. It was, in a way, the tree's own defiance against this unexpected disturbance; for what else could it do? It knew it was coming and it couldn't be stopped; to be washed clean by coldness and sadness. 

I saw it in the distance. 

2. drops. 

It was the bluest body of water, comfortably cold, and it's movements over your skin lulled you into a calmness so peaceful, so perfect... floating away all the troubles, the horrible, gnawing, recurring thoughts that plague your sanity from dream to dream, from consciousness to consciousness. You let the water rush in and out of your ears, calming and cleansing all at once. And then, suddenly, the sky above opens. Thousands and thousands of tiny diamonds descend upon your floating self, quickly kissing you all over before succumbing to the blue vastness that envelops around you. They cascade all around in a sparkling haze, turning the crystal blue surrounding you into a sea of fascinating, dancing lights... like the stars themselves descended from the heavens... 

And in that moment, you were free... 

3. river mirror

Looking down, he saw a familiar face. Those lonely eyes, those permanently furrowed eyebrows, and that old scar that sat between them. They all stared back at him in that comfortable, familiar gaze that sometimes made him feel like Superman on certain days or Smeagol on others. But it was still there, it will always be there, he could be sure to rely on that person to go through everything and anything with him. He will need him, especially now. 

Suddenly, another figure appeared next to this face. It was another familiar face. The eyes were soft and kind, and she had this dazzling smile that created this warm glow inside of him every time it appeared. This gentle face looked at the other face with an adoration and intimacy that only lovers could understand. He watched this face admire the other, falling deeper and deeper into admiration and adoration,  regretting every bit of the pain he knew he inflicted on the one person who so loved him beyond words. 

Slowly, the images of these faces were sliced by the showering ripples of rain from above. The stillness of the river shattered into a million droplets of indecipherable liquid pixelations as the sky succumbed to its unbearable sadness. The familiar faces were gone, melting into the white nothingness that followed the rain drops as they crashed into the river waters. 

He looked up from this view, standing on this bridge in the sudden rain, only to find he was all alone. 

chill. 

banks full of roses

Oliver Jeffers

" I am a forest and
                a night of dark trees: but     who is not afraid of my darkness, 

                                 will find banks full of roses under my cypresses. "

Friedrich Nietzsche 

feeling feelings

( source.)

The power of real love is simply incredible. It truly transcends it's boundaries, such as distance... and sometimes, it is with this same distance that it becomes a stronger, more powerful emotion. The love between Virginia Wolf and Vita Sackville-West was one that probably faced many of these boundaries (they were both women, Vita was married to a man). This excerpt, from a letter Vita made for Virginia on her way to Persia for four months with her husband, is probably one of the most simple, but undoubtedly beautiful letters I have ever come across. Her heartache for her lover is so evident, so strong, that she could only express it in the most direct way possible. 

" I am reduced to a thing that wants Virginia. I composed a beautiful letter to you in the sleepless nightmare hours of the night, and it has all gone: I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way. You, with all your un-dumb letters, would never write so elementary a phrase as that; perhaps you wouldn't even feel it. And yet I believe you'll be sensible of a little gap. But you'd clothe it in so exquisite a phrase that it would lose a little of its reality. Whereas with me it is quite stark: I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal. So this letter is just really a squeal of pain. It is incredible how essential to me you have become. I suppose you are accustomed to people saying these things. Damn you, spoilt creature; I shan't make you love me any the more by giving myself away like this—But oh my dear, I can't be clever and stand-offish with you: I love you too much for that. Too truly. You have no idea how stand-offish I can be with people I don't love. I have brought it to a fine art. But you have broken down my defences. And I don't really resent it." 

(from Letters of Note.)

To love a person with this same intensity... 

Dear snobby lady on the MRT,

This morning started out pretty good for me. I woke up in time to go on my morning jog, I managed to pop by a clothing shop to pick up a new skirt for work, and was heading out to meet a friend from LA for brunch right on schedule.
And then I met you.

I remember boarding the traincar and you were standing there kind of eyeing me up and down; why yes, I am wearing a cotton jacket with prints, is that so bizarre?! I glanced at you and took my place in the center of the car, standing. The train moved. Just as I happened to glance up, something caught my eye...
It was small.
Kind of a light brown color...
With legs and a pair of antennae...
...a roach. I had never seen a roach on the Singapore MRT until this moment. As we approached the next stop, the people sitting below this secret little passenger got off. As they did, two girls rushed past me to sit down. Only until I managed to get myself to look away from the cockroach did I even notice that they were gesturing me to sit down as there was an extra seat.
Uh, no thanks.
But even before I responded, you had decided to take the seat anyway. Little did you know you were sitting RIGHT under our secret fellow rider. I couldn't help but look at you in terror... Sorry if it came off as glaring, but I was just shocked and horrified that you were so close to it.
But here comes the best part.
Remember that moment I tried to talk to you? You were too busy applying that fourth layer of powder make up from your compact. Sorry about interrupting you, but I just had to tell you that the roach fell from above you and is sitting pretty somewhere along your backside.
Not so sure if you understood what I was saying since you kept insisting that you knew, and that someone told you to sit there.
Hm... Okay.
Suit yourself.
My stop arrived before I could further explain. But I hope you didn't have to find squished roach guts all over your butt.... no amount of powder is going to cover that up.

Hope you had a lovely day!

Sincerely,

Me

one of Singapore's hawker centers

Whenever I think of Singapore, I can't help that the first thing that pops into my mind is the crowded, bustling space of the hawker centers. It's the rows of stalls lined up serving plentiful, steaming dishes of rice, soups, curries, noodles... all the traditional Singaporean street food that, as a young girl visiting here, I fell madly in love with.

Hainanese chicken rice with cucumbers, chili sauce, and a bowl of the chicken stock soup.

Above all, though, my absolute favorite is hands down the chicken rice. It can't be the roasted kind, but the steamed kind, where the chicken is soft, tender, and a little juicy. It is served sitting on a bed of rice, which has been infused in the chicken stock. This infusion creates a perfect rice texture and an incredibly delectable, savory flavor I can never get enough of. The important part, though, is the chili sauce. I can't say I am an expert when it comes to the local chili, but I know that this important condiment can make or break the dish. With a few slices of cucumbers to cut through the flavor, and a bowl of nice, hot chicken soup... it's definitely been enough to leave me full and satisfied.

the chicken and rice balls variation

One variation of this dish that I have yet to try is the Hainanese chicken rice balls. I believe that it is essentially the same chicken and rice dish as the one I mentioned above, but with the rice molded into little balls. Either way, I see it as another excuse to eat more of my favorite Singaporean hawker food. 

Cinque Terre

It's no doubt that I love traveling. I grew up constantly traveling, because my family loved traveling; it's evident because so many of us are scattered all across the world! But one thing I have always enjoyed about traveling is the interesting (and sometimes strange) people I encounter in the process, and what it is that I learn from meeting them.

- Krakow, Poland: Walking on the street towards dinner, I crossed paths with an elderly man who came up to me speaking perfect Japanese; it was probably even better than what I can manage! I was so stunned I could actually understand the words coming out of this old man's mouth; up until this point I was so used to only hearing Polish all around me. He said he taught himself whilest riding the train and reading language books as a kid. But not only did he learn Japanese, but he also taught himself Russian and French as well! This man is not only an inspiration, but he made me realize the unique connection that a common language can create between strangers.

- Singapore: Heading to a meeting along the hip Quay area, a young Indian man dressed in a suit walked up to me, commenting on my forehead. I thought this was a very strange way to greet a person so, semi-freaked out, I proceeded to maneuver around him to continue on my way. Before I could escape, however, he started saying things about me that no stranger could ever know; he told me things about my personality ('you think too much, so you don't do much'...uh, how did you get that by reading my forehead!?), my relationships (and in all their their complicated glory that only a best friend would know), and then proceeded to tell me about my future ('you will have success, but not this year; you will find success in love with someone you have yet to meet' ...okay, cool). Then... he asked me for money. End magical intrigue. Not only did he give me a reason to re-evaluate myself and my life, this Indian fortune teller also taught me never to appear like an obvious tourist!

- Cinque Terre: Staying at a teeny, tiny hostel, I met the cutest Aussie couple. Being only 19 and 20, they had essentially run away from home to be together. It was such a romantic idea; they were traveling with this Australian travel group that bussed all around Europe, so by the time I met them, the pair had already spent quite a bit of time all around the continent. To raise money, they would work at bars or cafes; once they'd saved up enough, they would go on to their next destination. It takes guts to embark on such a bohemian and carefree adventure like that, which was something that I had always wanted to do; but they made me realize it's definitely not for me.

- Cinque Terre: Also at this same hostel, I met a girl from the US. She is a really great girl, and we had a great conversation... until the moment she lifted her arms to stretch, thus showcasing a lovely thick coat of unkept hair growing from her armpits. In that moment, I learned I needed a more convincing poker face.

There have been many more, but these were the few that really stuck out in my mind. I think that's because unintentionally, they each taught me a lesson. Have you ever met some interesting (or strange) people, either at home or during your travels? What did they show you or teach you?

xo

Hello blog! Writing from the little buzzing country of Singapore!

I'm now all the way here... 

It's definitely been an interesting change from what I was used to in Los Angeles. Despite the fact that I have visited this country before, it's positively changed a bit since the last time I was here. The country is constantly undergoing rapid developing; makes it difficult for someone like myself to try and keep up when everything is always looking so different haha!

Anyway, I'm excited to post more of my adventures from exploring this island country as I get more acclimated to things. Will be sure to update soon! But in the meantime, hope you're having a wonderful weekend.

If you're bored, here are some cool sites i've come across lately...

- records re-imagined into book covers... simply awesome.

- the moment I laid eyes on this coat, I knew it was love at first sight.

- never thought of living on a farm.... until I saw these gorgeous renovated homes!

- even more sartorially inspired by the ever-amazing Elin Kling in a simple/slinky/slouchy tank.

- a list of hipster cities across the U.S. (& yet, I want to visit all of them)

- just absolutely love with these springy colors, summarized in this photo spread.

- xo.